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Post by voodoo on Oct 4, 2005 23:37:50 GMT
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job. Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
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Post by supersy on Oct 5, 2005 11:27:43 GMT
Two rooftop aerials got married, the ceremony was dull, but the reception was great!
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Post by Jamie85 on Oct 10, 2005 17:17:17 GMT
Voodoo, great XD
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Post by voodoo on Oct 11, 2005 19:52:55 GMT
OK here we go joke blanket bombing, you should laugh at one of them.
A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here, iron this." ________________________________________________________________________________________
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?" _____________________________________________________________________________________
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?" __________________________________________________________________________________
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.” _________________________________________________________________________________________________
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal. ___________________________________________________________________________________
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator." _______________________________________________________________________________________
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?" _______________________________________________________________________________________
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux. ____________________________________________________________________________________
and finally my mantra
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
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Post by Jamie85 on Oct 11, 2005 20:24:27 GMT
Sex is evil, evil is sin, sin is forgiven so sex is in!
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Post by MeesChees on Oct 11, 2005 20:36:41 GMT
Man goes into a bar with a Giraffe. The giraffe gets drunk and collapses. When the bloke goes to leave, the bartender says "Oi, you can't leave that lying here!" The bloke says "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
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Post by Dr Eggfan on Oct 11, 2005 22:53:22 GMT
A man gets off a boat in Brazil. It's the first time he's ever been there and he wants to prove himself. He walks into a bar and says to the bar man, "Hey, what do you have to do to prove you're a man around here?" The barman replies, "First, you must drink a flaggon of our strongest tequila! Then there is a crocodile round the back of this bar, it is old and very angry becuase it has tooth ache. You must remove the rotten tooth from its mouth! And finally, upstairs is Maria, she has never been properly satisfied by a man in her life, you must go and make her feel pleasure like she has never felt before!" So, the man goes and downs the tequila and then wobbles outside the bar to the crocodile. Half an hour goes by and all sorts of horrible noises can be heard from behind the bar. Eventually the man walks back in and says to the barman "Right, now where's the girl with the dodgy tooth?"
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Post by voodoo on Oct 13, 2005 17:58:48 GMT
how did pinocchio find out He was made of wood? His hand caught fire!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2005 9:41:11 GMT
did you hear about the one where snow white sat on pinocchio's face and shouted "lie you bastard, lie"?
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Post by voodoo on Oct 14, 2005 9:49:30 GMT
yes
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Post by Golden Dragoon on Oct 17, 2005 16:30:50 GMT
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support
* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
* "So -- what are you wearing?"
* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with Watchdog. Press 3 if you're with the OFT."
* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
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Post by offbeat69 on Oct 18, 2005 9:33:57 GMT
Found this one on the pyoko.org forums.
A guy walks into a bar one afternoon to get a quick drink after work. As he enters, he notices meat hanging from the ceilings. Intrigued by this, he turns to be the bartender and asks "What's with all the meat hanging on the ceiling?"
"Well," the bartender replies, cleaning the inside of a glass, "the meat is part of a contest. If you can jump up and grab a piece of meat from the ceiling, you get to drink the rest of the day for free."
The man is impressed by this, and just a little bit tempted. "Wow, that's amazing. But what happens if I jump up and can't grab a piece of meat?"
The bartender gazes at him and says, "If you can't fail to grab a piece of meat, you have to buy drinks for everyone in the bar."
The man considers for a moment. He then sits down and states, "Nah, I don't think I'll do it."
"Why not?" the bartender inquires.
"The steaks are just too high."
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Post by lesalanos on Oct 18, 2005 9:53:19 GMT
top class punnage
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Post by Jamie85 on Oct 18, 2005 17:53:53 GMT
How come it's only remotely funny if Harold posts it? Anyone else and it would have been a *groan*
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Post by offbeat69 on Oct 18, 2005 17:58:17 GMT
It's all in the delivery, obviously.
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Post by supersy on Oct 24, 2005 12:21:05 GMT
The oldies are the best.
What's the first question asked at quiz NITE in a west Ham pub?? "WHAT YOU LOOKIN' AT"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2005 16:30:19 GMT
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs? Cash and Carry
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Post by voodoo on Oct 24, 2005 16:42:59 GMT
why don't blondes get the weekend off work?
because it takes too long to retrain them!
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Post by dreamboy3000 on Nov 1, 2005 20:07:13 GMT
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for abrasions and dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place!!!"
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Post by offbeat69 on Nov 1, 2005 20:22:24 GMT
I bet it was SO worth it though.
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Post by Golden Dragoon on Nov 1, 2005 20:32:27 GMT
I bet it was SO worth it though. Your just jelous because you want herpes
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Post by offbeat69 on Nov 20, 2005 22:34:31 GMT
Emma sent this one to me in a text. I don't get it, anyone care to explain?
"There was a farmer. He had 3 songs. He asked all 3 of his sons what they wanted to be when they were older. Son 1 said he wanted to be a lawyer, the dad gave him 50p. Son 2 sai he wanted to be a vicar, the dad gave him 50p. Son 3 said he wanted to be a farmer, the dad gave him a kick in the balls and said heres 3 acres of land." (all sic.)
EXPLAIN.
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Post by Jamie85 on Nov 22, 2005 17:11:30 GMT
:S
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steel
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by steel on Nov 23, 2005 7:23:33 GMT
What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A widow!!!
Ha im soooo funny!
Stupid whores
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Post by Jamie85 on Nov 23, 2005 21:33:46 GMT
Hello Steel, I've got so caught up in other topics I've only just noticed you! Welcome to GameCentral, you certainly have the right attitude to stick around here XD Liking the joke *thumbs up*
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