Just so you can all get over the fact I have removed Bill Hittler from my sig, and replaced it with this far more stylish one, here are a few Microsoft Jokes (plus a couple of intel ones).
"Saying your OS is the best in the world 'cause more people use it is like saying McDonalds makes the best food in the world."
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates, 1981.
bort, [R]etry, gnore, [F]ail ?" Does Bill Gates know the answer ?
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"Win95 not found, arty, [C]elebrate, [D]rink ?"
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"Windows 95 /n./ 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition."
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"I wonder what Jesus would do if He had to reload Windows 95 for the eighth time today ?" Mirabour Gilbride.
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"Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]"
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"WinNT: supports Plug'n Play devices, just not Plug 'n Play..."
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"It's been said that Bill Gates named his company after his dick..."
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"Ever notice how fast Windows runs ?
Neither did I."
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"I can't use Windows. My cat ate my mouse."
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"If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft."
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"Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ?
Linux: Where do you want to go tomorrow ?
MAC OS-X: Are you guys coming or what ?!?"
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"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." Bumper sticker.
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"Double your drive space delete Windows !" Bumper sticker.
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"If you don't know where you want to go, we will make sure you get there." Microsoft slogan translated in Japanese.
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"In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates ?" Dino Esposito.
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"I like my web servers just like my women... insecure and full of holes waiting to be exploited." B. G.
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"Is OS/2 only half an operating system ?"
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"Overall, OS/2's problems fall into two categories: IBM and Microsoft." Jean-Louis Gassee.
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"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer." Erik Naggum.
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"Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight." Bill Gates.
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"The only people who have anything to fear from free software (such as GNAT) are those whose products are worth even less." David Emery.
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"...the best way to prepare [to be a programmer] is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and fished out listings of their operating system." Bill Gates.
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"Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an organization." Jon Bentley.
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"What does the Start button do isn't the computer already running ?" A Windows user.
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"Why should I press the Start button to turn the computer off ?" A Windows user.
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"Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush." Andy G. Ihnatko.
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"People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'."
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"Bill Gates is so rich because he got his wish when he said: 'I wish I had a nickel for every time a PC reboots'."
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"Microsoft Works." Oxymoron
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"I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."
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"Mac users swear by their Mac,
PC users swear at their PC."
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"'Intel Inside': The world's most widely used warning label." Jim Hopper.
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"Intel: We put the 'um...' in Pentium."
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"'Intel Inside' is a Government Warning requied by Law."
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"Q: What's the advantage of having Bill Gates and the Pope in the same city ?
A: So that the Pope can talk directly to God."
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"Q: How many Ms programmers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: 2,304. One to write WinCheckLightBulbStatus, one to write WinGripLightBulb..."
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"Q: How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, he just defines Darkness™ as the new industry standard..."
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Customer: "I'm running Windows '98"
Tech: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech: "Yes, you said that."
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"People who think MS-DOS & Windows are the slickest thing since sliced butter should be forced to wear a sign stating 'This mind intentionally left blank'."
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"Print out the EULA, strike the offending paragraphs out, have it notarized, send a copy in a certified letter to Microsoft with a note saying that their signature (on delivery of letter) is acceptance of the ammended terms. End of story." BlueUnderwear.
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"A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting."
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"Windows: Just another pain in the glass."
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"Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something."
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"Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail."
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"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."
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"When the grammar checker identifies an error, it suggests a correction and can even makes some changes for you." Microsoft Word for Windows 2.0 User's Guide.
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"Microsoft is trying to add some humor to it's error messages in Windows 2000. Here are a couple of examples:
Printer not responding: Got a pen and paper handy ?
Three things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss. Guess which has just occured ?"
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"If google made $1 everytime someone used them to find an answer to a tech support question, they would own microsoft."
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"Our most reliable OS yet !"*
(*Based on total crashes since OS release) Microsoft disclaimer about WinXP.
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"For us Windows users, reports of new security issues seem to come as often as potholes on an Arkansas highway. Like the potholes, looking for the next one isn't all that interesting or entertaining, but we still have to try to avoid them or at least minimize their impact."
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"Heard of the new version of Windows from MS ? It is called CEMENT CE+ME+NT"
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"These security related updates may disable your ability to copy and/or play Secure Content and use other software on your computer." From the EULA of a 'security update' to Windows Media Player. In other words the scariest thing I've ever read.
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"Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, 'Ticket, please...'"
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"There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
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"After hearing that REM rejected the MS offer to buy a song for ad purposes,
it came to me that it might have been:
LOSING MY CONNECTION by Alan Zacher
to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Appologies to REM)
Windoze is bigger
It's bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with OS/2
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven't bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that became a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.
Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
But that was just a dream
I hope that was a dream..."
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"Three women are sitting in a bar talking about their love lives.
The first one says,
"My husband is an architect. When we make love it has power, it has form, it has function. It's incredible!"
The second one says,
"My husband is an artist. When we make love it has passion, it has emotion, it has vision. It's wonderful!"
The third woman sighs and sips her margarita, then says,
"My husband works for Microsoft. When we make love, he just sits at the end of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when it gets here."
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Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delilght, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys!"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete!"
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Late Breaking news!!!
Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property.
Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringment on our technology".
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TOP TEN INTERNET EXPLORER BUGS
Poor Microsoft. If it's not one bug in Internet Explorer, it's another. What's worse, there's awhole list of bugs about to be revealed...ten to be precise:
10. When you press Ctrl-Alt-Delete-F10, the stock market crashes. Try it and see!
9. It fails in its industrial espionage mission to scan the hard drives of Larry Ellison, Scott McNealy, and Jim Barksdale.
8. Runs better on the Mac OS than on Windows.
7. Due to a last-minute switch by a frustrated programmer, the Help function brings up the Kama Sutra.
6. Browsing www.netscape.com/ crashes IE. Wait, that's not a bug.
5. Turns the IntelliMouse into the StupidoMouse.
4. Uninstaller for IE also deletes Quake.
3. RSAC rating system blocks Microsoft.com--mistakes "ActiveX" for "sex."
2. Search for "Microsoft ethics" points you to www.mafia.org/.
1. It doesn't make Bill any money.
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Bill Talks with God
Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner God told them "I need three important figures to send my message out to all people. Tomorrow I will
destroy the earth".
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them "I have two really bad news items for you:
1.God really exists and
2.Tomorrow God will destroy the earth".
Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them "I have Good news and Bad News:
1. God really does exist;
2. The bad news is tomorrow God's destroying the earth".
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced "I have two fantastic announcements:
1. I'm one of the three most important people on earth and
2. The Year 2000 problem is solved".
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There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away
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All I have for now